Hi feminists!
I wanted to get your opinions on a recent talking point I've been seeing frequently on feminist Twitter, the idea that men over-rely on women for emotional support and they should see a therapist instead, and its relationship to another feminist theory that the patriarchy actively discourages men from showing emotions.
The "emotional support woman" meme gives me pause and kind of strikes me, at least on the surface, as antithetical to standard feminist theories on toxic masculinity (normally we're telling men to be more open about emotions, but here we're doing the opposite?), but how nuanced can you really get in under 280 characters? and, more importantly, I also feel like, as a man, I'm not able to fully understand the issue and don't want to jump to conclusions. I promise this isn't a troll post to start fights - I'd like to better understand a feminist issue that bias is keeping me from taking at face value and hopefully improve.
So I did some research before coming here, and the impression that I'm getting is that we keep our emotions bottled up, telling no one for long periods of time, then overwhelmingly place all our confidence in one woman, and that this can be really emotionally taxing or even dehumanizing if men see women as objects who only exist to emotionally unload on. They see this as a substitute to healthily processing their emotions or getting professional help. And more often than not, they don't reciprocate emotional support. So first of all, wow, I'm sorry you all have to deal with that, and that's clearly a worse issue than whatever concerns I'm about to raise.
How does this theory apply to men who have no one else to talk to?
One of the points I hear is that we should normalize men confiding in other men, and that would be amazing, but that's the kind of work that takes generations, right? The patriarchy leads too many man to suppress their emotions, and this builds up over a lifetime. Many of us wouldn't dare confide in a male friend out of fear of being laughed at and ignored. This often means, unfortunately, that lots of men only have practical access to emotional support by women friends and/or partners, and it kind of creates this vicious cycle that hurts everyone.
If you're a boy who has no one else to talk to, are you unethically contributing to this cycle by confiding in a woman? Should we not? Or is it context-based? If you knew that you were a boy's only source of support, how might you go about determining if he's alright or if he's using you as an emotional support woman?
(I'm not suggesting that women have any obligation to emotionally support men; I hope it's not coming across that way.)
How does it apply to working-class men financially unable to "get a therapist"?
It seems like "get a therapist" has become a buzzword in discussions like these, and I totally get where feminist Twitter is coming from, but it also comes off as a bit tone-deaf to the ways the patriarchy victimizes men, the working poor, and people with mental illnesses, and hurts to hear. On one hand, there's only so much we can do as friends and partners, and in some ways I can see it as a useful message that says "Hey, I want you to get better too, but I don't have the psychology degree to properly help you, so why are you expecting me to?" or as a gratifying way to get rid of male d-bags who expect too much. At the same time, I and many other broke people diagnosed with depression and anxiety and stuff would love to regularly see a therapist, but can't. Like other feminists, I strongly feel that a single-payer healthcare that includes therapy would help everyone regardless of class.
When people bring up how expensive therapy is, sometimes I see the response that there are affordable options too, and that it's important to try those out. But, I don't know, my experience has been that cheap therapy comes from conservative religious groups, or underpaid, underqualified hotline/chatroom people stretched out too thin to make much of a positive difference.
Lots of us, men and women and everyone else, don't have access to good resources, so we tend to rely on each other instead, for better or worse. Working-class women seem to rely on each other for support regularly, and it seems to benefit them as much as feasible without access to professional help. I wish men could have the same built-in support networks, and I know feminism will help get us there someday, but I wish that time would come sooner. For now, "get therapy" feels a bit unhelpful, and almost an appeal to capitalism, which I don't fully understand when it's said by often anti-capitalist feminists.
Is there something I'm missing here? Is it justifiable to just boil the solution down to "get therapy"?
What can men do to make sure they're not emotionally exhausting the women in their lives without, in the process, internalizing patriarchal attitudes about suppressing their emotions?
I'm always worried I'm being a burden to my friends with my problems, and this talking point has me more confused how to navigate processing my emotions in an ethical way. I want to be more open about my feelings, but (especially after daily Twitter exposure to this new discourse) am worried especially around close women friends that I'm oversharing. I'm not sure how to reconcile these two things. Of course, asking about boundaries is important, but we've all been that person who goes out of our way to help people we care about at the cost of our own emotional well-beings, even if it means not being honest that we just don't have the energy to spare. And I really don't want to unknowingly be a drain, hence why I'm taking to Reddit for more opinions.
Do you mind having male friends discuss their feelings with you, or would you prefer they keep to themselves? Or if they have you as a confidant and you're alright with that, how much is too much? What are some actions from men you'd appreciate that makes it clear they're respecting your boundaries? (I realize that there's no one-size-fits-all answer, but this would help me get a general sense of what feminists think about this issue and how you deal with it personally.)
If you read all this or even parts of it and would like to offer an opinion, I appreciate your insights!
